how did i end up like this?

How Did I End Up Like This?

Introduction

I’m not trying to bash anyone down, but recently I came across a YouTube advertisement that spoke on something that seemed to be right where I am. For the past couple of months, I returned to the objective of getting my book out into the world to find its market.

I’ve been involved with email blasts and marketing schemes, going deeper into debt while not seeing the return results. What is depression? While there may be many definitions, the one I found on my own was when you had an expected outcome or hope and did not see it materialise despite your best efforts. That emotional feeling of loss and disappointment, can be termed depression.

So, what do I do? I pick myself up, dust myself off, or as the scriptural David put it ‘encourage myself’ and move on. I was using the term, “All hard work brings a profit.” And I believed that if I kept on working and believing, then my breakthrough would come, but it was a lie.

After my last episode of loss and confusion I went back to the Word. One of the many things I learned from the teachings of Bishop T.D. Jakes is that you need an anchor passage of scripture that holds you in the storms of life. For the past couple of years, mine has been Isaiah 55. From time to time when I re-read this passage, different verses came across to minister to my soul at different times according to what I was going through.

The verse that spoke to me recently was verse two, “Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? And your labour for that which satisfied not? Harken diligently unto me, and eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness.” What the Lord was saying to me I was able to put into these points.

1. What I was doing was looking for ways to promote the book and then ask God to endorse what I was doing, when it should have been the other way around. I should have been seeking His will and direction and following Him, then obey what He tells me to do.

2. I was spending money on things that didn’t satisfy me and were not accomplishing anything. That needed to stop now. Especially since I was using a credit card.

3. Remember the Word. Matthew 11:30 says, “For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Just as the Lord spoke about the emotional burden of my job, that if I allow His presence to be with me during the day, He will take that pressure off (which He did), the work to get the book out should not lead to a path of burn out and depression.

I had to stop. And now I’m even more careful of programmes offering ‘open doors to success’ if I just pay ‘x’ for their services.

I’m reminded of Moses when he and the people of Israel needed to cross over the Red sea. Exodus 4:2 says, “then the Lord said to him, “What is that in your hand?” “A staff,” he replied.” I think in some ways I am at a ‘red sea’ point. Trying to get to the other side and God is asking “what is in your hand?”

With all the conferences, notes and materials gathered, I haven’t done everything the past presenters suggested. So, for me now to pay for information I already have but in a different package, I think I’ll slow down and hear from the Lord on His direction of what to do, rather than shoot off on what I think is the next opportunity.

I think there is a little resemblance between myself and the young son in the story, “How did I end up like this?” Were both coming back to our fathers.

The Story

This story is mainly centred around a scene from the parable about the prodigal son. Here we see the young man sitting in the pig stall reflecting on how he got to this place in his life. While my own reflections on this story were being shaped, the key expression that kept jumping out to me was “and he came to himself.”

Like in the introduction, sometimes we are on a path we believe to be the right one and you can throw yourself fully into this new venture. But when things don’t work out, what do you do. Do you blame God, blame your parents that if they were better people, you would have had a better start in life? Do you blame your family? Or blame your friends for things they made you do? One of the things I had to learn was nobody makes you do anything; you have a choice.

The story is about looking at a possible pathway or chain of thought that led this young man from a place of peace and security to a place of near non-existence.

A notable thing with this story is that this young man had life good and made choices that made life bad. Most people start out in bad and difficult circumstances and try to make good with their lives. A point I’ve heard wealthy people say, riches or wealthy, fame and fortune, while they are so much better than being poor, they don’t satisfy the soul. A wealthy person still needs things of purpose in their lives for without it, it’s possible to reach the top and then you realise, being at the top is not what it’s hyped up to be and then our faithful friend ‘depression’ returns.

The thoughts and reflections in this story are very much fictional. But the circumstances I thought may possibly be relatable to someone who had suffered loss and maybe that loss contributed to them losing their way. The good thing is, we know how this story ends and in real life, our heavenly father is their to welcome us home too.

Final Thoughts

Like the prodigal son, it was bad decisions that led him down the wrong path. When he came to terms with where he was, he realised he needed to reverse those decisions and make good ones to get out. Sometimes in order to get out of a bad place, reverse the steps that led you there.